So it seems everyone is asking the same question:
How's work? How's Klang?
It honestly gets annoying. I know they're just concerned but you get tired if everyone just keeps asking you the same question, and it's not like I really like to answer that.
I mean... how different can a hospital be? Every hospital has doctors, nurses and patients.
We see sick people everyday.
Wake up early, work work work and then go back.
Twice a week, you'll have to stay in the hospital cos you're on call.
So how's work what? Work's like that la.

You know, it's like asking a secretary all the time, how's work? What kinda answer you expect? Every job has its own scope of work, and it revolves around there. How different can my scope be? I don't invent atomic bombs or plant trees. Neither do I fight court cases or arrest criminals. You know what I work as, so that's my work la! Argh...

The next time someone ask me how's work, I'm gonna say, I work under MOs and specialists to treat patients.

Do I enjoy my job? No I don't. I just get things done.

I mean my superiors and colleagues in this department are really nice, but I'm working for a long term goal. That's pretty much about it.

Sorry. Tired me gets a bit cranky.

I'm tired of building friendships that end up broken.
It always start off like a sweet dream, but end up like a nightmare.
I'm tired of the cycle, of the repeats, of the over and over.
I no longer expect, I no longer hope.
Come as you wish and leave as you wish.
No more expectations.
Because it always end the same way.

And I'm still waiting...

Waiting...

Waiting...

Very patient I am...

Many times, we find ourselves not knowing what we want. I for one, felt that way as often as all the time. One moment, I can be so sure of what I want, but getting what I want is a different story altogether. So I made my way through, trying to get what I want. I will eventually get there somehow, but when I am already there, I realize, not exactly what I want. The cycle repeats.

On and off, here and there. One moment I'm doing alright, the next moment I wish I was in a dream. There's always a point of time where I just don't know what I'm doing, or what I want to do. But give it a while, with no specific time frame, the moment will come. Where you suddenly know, what to do and what you want.

I was contemplating on many issues of late. It was so disturbing, I can hardly have a good sleep. Whether I'm at home or at work, my mind never stopped spinning. One issue resolved, the next one pops up. So alright, I'm in the process of settling one at a time. That's done, fine.

The next bugging issue, I am missing someone quite badly. The decision to cut down on the frequent meetings and the forbidden intimacy was one of the most painful decisions that I have to make. We have shared so much together, had so many wonderful moments together, and we have created such a bond where all I want is to be in this cozy realms. It was like an addiction, never getting enough of each other's presence and company. We looked forward to seeing each other, we kept in touch via all the means of communications that exist nowadays, we planned our outings... all of these, with one restriction. We cannot be more than friends with reasons only known to me (and some).

That restriction itself was the barrier to everything. I had to control temptations, I had to maintain a certain emotional distance, had to appear disinterested, cold and far.

Everytime I think of us, a deep sense of sorrow sweeps through me.
You don't belong to me, we cannot be together.
But you can't stop me... from missing you...

Just random shots I feel like putting up...




Check out Thunder's eyes... I wonder why dogs have those eyes effect in the dark... do they see more than what we can see? Or maybe the camera doesn't have a proper flash function... cos the shots were taken in the dark.



Does he look like a fierce wolf? He's actually not. Much tamer than Sky. Sometimes I wish he was mine instead. He doesn't bite... but licks me all over I feel like I was bathed in his saliva...



I think Thunder does look good...even from the side... right?
I just love Thunder...



Yes, check out his tongue... soooo looooooooong. This candid shot is just hilarious. Looks like he's so happy... why? Cos he saw me! Hahahha...



Sky the tour guide.



Sky the red riding hood... hahahha..



Me enjoying drink at Laundry, The curve. (Nah, it's actually my sis's drink... it's not that nice, don't order, taste like medicine)...


Me enjoying the nice dessert at Bubba Gum... ok this is nice..


Me and Sis... satisfied.

Before you think it's my suicide, let me first tell you, it's not me.

This evening I had a call from a friend whom I have known for years. He's probably the one and only friend whom I can be so honest with, one whom I can tell almost anything direct to his face, without the fear of offending him. He's a cheerful and funny guy, never had a dull moment whenever I'm with him. We can talk and laugh over everything and anything. Though there were many things about him that I'm not happy with, like you can never trust him on appointments, don't expect him to return calls or smses and likes irritating me among the many other things. Nevertheless, our friendship remained.

This evening he sounded different. Not his usual self where he would laugh over things that I say which weren't even meant to be funny.

He was sad. He was suicidal. My good ol' clown friend, is suicidal. Can you imagine the irony? Can you imagine a clown saying he wants to die? He was asking me the lethal dosage of certain drugs. I told him I only prescribe drugs in dosages that are safe to patients, not lethal dosage, because if I ever cause a patient's death due to my carelessness in prescribing the wrong dose, I would might as well dig a grave and plan my own suicide. It's a fatal error that I would not forgive myself if I ever made one. But honestly, I once did. I was so tired that night, I wrote the wrong dosage. My medical officer detected it the next day, reported it to my specialist, and of course, I had a good blast of scolding afterwards. It was my fault, from then on, I was extra careful.

My friend made me realized, it was that easy for me to kill someone in the hospital, if it was ever intentional. Drug overdose. The power was indeed in my hands.

So why was he suicidal? Love relationships. Yes, I'm talking about the boy-girl relationship kinda relationship. He couldn't let go of the girl he was in love with 2 years ago, and still in love with now. He felt that his life has no more meaning and he felt like dying. Is it really worth dying for another girl/guy who has moved on? It is not easy talking and counselling someone who is suicidal. Someone who has lost so much hope. Someone who fear of falling in love again. Someone who wants his life to be taken away.

Through the phone I could hear cars passing by, he was obviously on the road. Though I am worried that he would be knocked down by a car, but I knew despite all the thoughts of dying, he did not actually want to die. What he needed was some attention and affection, from a well trusted friend, like me. It took me the whole night to talk through things with him. And in the midst of the whole thing, he was frequently asking me about medications and drugs. Honestly, I hate it that I still know. As much as he wants the memories of his beloved to be wiped off, I wanted my medical knowledge to be wiped off as well.

You know, he is not the only person who always asks me on medical stuff. My friends, my cousins, relatives, so on so forth do the same. Even my job interviewer today, asked me hundreds of questions, somewhat testing my medical knowledge for no reason, because the post I was applying for does not require that much of my medical knowledge. But yet, they drilled into it. Fortunately but sadly, I still remember my stuff. I still knew my antibiotics, my anti-hypertensives, diabetic drugs, etc. I know I'm hopping around from one topic to another, but yea, the interview today, took 1 hour and 15 minutes. Because the interviewer was so excited to know how much I knew, especially when he found out that I knew how to do K-wiring for fractured bones. Sir, it may be impressive but it is not relevant. Sigh. (of course I didn't say that lah)

So my friend wanted to actually jump off from the top of a building. And then he didn't dare, he was afraid of heights. The latest technique he proposed was to drink poison. The cruel me, actually dared him to because he will die a horrible death, with internal bleeds and corrosions, and profuse vomiting. I don't know if you want to go through that, but as for me, I hate vomiting. To come think of it, I don't know what's my method of choice if I wanted a suicide.

To draw a conclusion from all that I have mentioned,
firstly, I managed to talk my friend out of the suicide idea.
Secondly, it made me think of my own relationship affairs which isn't very much better from his.
Thirdly, I still remember certain things.
Lastly, because I still remember, I miss it.