Before you think it's my suicide, let me first tell you, it's not me.

This evening I had a call from a friend whom I have known for years. He's probably the one and only friend whom I can be so honest with, one whom I can tell almost anything direct to his face, without the fear of offending him. He's a cheerful and funny guy, never had a dull moment whenever I'm with him. We can talk and laugh over everything and anything. Though there were many things about him that I'm not happy with, like you can never trust him on appointments, don't expect him to return calls or smses and likes irritating me among the many other things. Nevertheless, our friendship remained.

This evening he sounded different. Not his usual self where he would laugh over things that I say which weren't even meant to be funny.

He was sad. He was suicidal. My good ol' clown friend, is suicidal. Can you imagine the irony? Can you imagine a clown saying he wants to die? He was asking me the lethal dosage of certain drugs. I told him I only prescribe drugs in dosages that are safe to patients, not lethal dosage, because if I ever cause a patient's death due to my carelessness in prescribing the wrong dose, I would might as well dig a grave and plan my own suicide. It's a fatal error that I would not forgive myself if I ever made one. But honestly, I once did. I was so tired that night, I wrote the wrong dosage. My medical officer detected it the next day, reported it to my specialist, and of course, I had a good blast of scolding afterwards. It was my fault, from then on, I was extra careful.

My friend made me realized, it was that easy for me to kill someone in the hospital, if it was ever intentional. Drug overdose. The power was indeed in my hands.

So why was he suicidal? Love relationships. Yes, I'm talking about the boy-girl relationship kinda relationship. He couldn't let go of the girl he was in love with 2 years ago, and still in love with now. He felt that his life has no more meaning and he felt like dying. Is it really worth dying for another girl/guy who has moved on? It is not easy talking and counselling someone who is suicidal. Someone who has lost so much hope. Someone who fear of falling in love again. Someone who wants his life to be taken away.

Through the phone I could hear cars passing by, he was obviously on the road. Though I am worried that he would be knocked down by a car, but I knew despite all the thoughts of dying, he did not actually want to die. What he needed was some attention and affection, from a well trusted friend, like me. It took me the whole night to talk through things with him. And in the midst of the whole thing, he was frequently asking me about medications and drugs. Honestly, I hate it that I still know. As much as he wants the memories of his beloved to be wiped off, I wanted my medical knowledge to be wiped off as well.

You know, he is not the only person who always asks me on medical stuff. My friends, my cousins, relatives, so on so forth do the same. Even my job interviewer today, asked me hundreds of questions, somewhat testing my medical knowledge for no reason, because the post I was applying for does not require that much of my medical knowledge. But yet, they drilled into it. Fortunately but sadly, I still remember my stuff. I still knew my antibiotics, my anti-hypertensives, diabetic drugs, etc. I know I'm hopping around from one topic to another, but yea, the interview today, took 1 hour and 15 minutes. Because the interviewer was so excited to know how much I knew, especially when he found out that I knew how to do K-wiring for fractured bones. Sir, it may be impressive but it is not relevant. Sigh. (of course I didn't say that lah)

So my friend wanted to actually jump off from the top of a building. And then he didn't dare, he was afraid of heights. The latest technique he proposed was to drink poison. The cruel me, actually dared him to because he will die a horrible death, with internal bleeds and corrosions, and profuse vomiting. I don't know if you want to go through that, but as for me, I hate vomiting. To come think of it, I don't know what's my method of choice if I wanted a suicide.

To draw a conclusion from all that I have mentioned,
firstly, I managed to talk my friend out of the suicide idea.
Secondly, it made me think of my own relationship affairs which isn't very much better from his.
Thirdly, I still remember certain things.
Lastly, because I still remember, I miss it.

I had the ball in my hands, holding on to it quite tightly I would say.
I got up, walked slowly with my new shoes,
Bouncing the ball a little,
Got the rhythm, bounced the ball a little more,
From a far end,
You came towards me,
Your smile, captivating,
Your touch, seducing.

Within moments,
I lost control over the ball,
You took over swiftly,
I ran along following your footsteps,
Trying to grab back the ball,
Never succeeded,
You were obviously better in the game.

We continued to play,
You leading, you controlling
But it was okay,
The heat was on,
The adrenaline rush, the excitement
You got me hooked,
I stayed in the court.

Your tricky moves,
I'm not blind not to notice,
Your manipulative motives behind those seducing stares to distract my attention,
I'm not foolish not to know,
But the heat was on,
I stayed in.

You continued taking full charge of the ball,
Tactfully gliding across all four corners,
With the ball still in your hands,
I went nearer,
I want the ball back,
Give the ball back to me.

You continue bouncing the ball,
I jumped into the space, to reach for it,
You pushed me away,
Onto the ground.
How could you.

I fell, my knees hurt,
You went straight to the net,
Jumped for it,
Goal. The ball went right into the net,
And left bouncing on the ground,
Reducing in momentum after each bounce.

And you're going to leave, just like that?
You invited me to play a game I never wanted to play,
You controlled the whole game, manipulating all its rules,
You led me into this,
Into this uninvited game.

You're walking away
With no sense of sympathy, empathy
You took my ball, played with it and then toss it aside
I am hurt, do you even care?
You pushed me down, in your game,
Have you got no explanation? No apology?

It's alright, I won't demand for it,
You have played the game well,
Indeed,
A game well played, player
But I want you to pay the price,
For this game.

Sky has grown up lately. In terms of her size. But mentally, she still behaves like a puppy. Biting all over, being her naughty and notorious self, destroying things, jumping around... She's also rough, behaving more like a guy than a girl. She's not the kinda dog where you can sit her on your lap and pat her. No you can't. She'll jump on you and start biting you all over. Your hair is not spared. Shirts will be torn, slippers will be damaged, the pots will tumble and plants destroyed.

Sky........ I love you but will you stop behaving like a monkey. Come on dear, be a gentle dog and behave like how a husky girl should. You are so gonna scare your husband off (whoever that may be).

Who would have thought that a decision like this is so hard to make? To me, it is a clear cut decision that I want to resign from this job, but to others, it's a decision that I am stupidly making. What I long is for people to support me in what I want to do, in what I like to do and live a happier life. But sadly, other than my own family, everyone else is against my decision, convincing me to do otherwise. I get so fed up of hearing, I just don't understand. Do they rather want me to suffer than to see me happier?

I go to work everyday with much dread, waking up in depression, coming back from work feeling worse. Everyday went by with no joy. I live through everyday with a dead soul, with no motivation, no passion, no joy. I see patients obligingly, till it became a burden. My bosses are all treating me so unkindly, I feel so demotivated. Inside me, I feel like I'm dying slowly, yet quickly. I became a heartless and feelingless person, a doctor without passion. I go to work before the sun rise, coming back only to collapse on the bed, fighting for hours to sleep. The sun is no longer there to shine, all I see is darkness, gloominess and sorrow. I am drowned.

I need to get out of this situation. Friends, please don't convince me otherwise. I cannot persevere on with something I no longer want to do. This field is not for me. Clinical medicine is not for me. I don't want to be a a doctor anymore. Whatever benefits it offers as what my friends use to tell me, I am not bothered. My bosses say, if you don't go through these 2 years of housemanship, you won't get your title. I don't care. This title means NOTHING to me. It only brings nothing but misery in my 5 months of working.

What are you going to do next then? That is another frequently asked question. At the moment I don't know, I haven't been actively looking yet. But all I know is, not anything to do with being a doctor in the hospital. This is how much I hate being a doctor now. Will I regret resigning? At the moment I don't know. What happens in the future I don't know either. I may regret, I may not. But what I know is that if I go on doing something I hate, in future if I look back, I will regret wasting so much time on something I should have gotten out earlier.

5 years wasted in medical school. Yes I know, don't have to remind me. So how many more years you want me to waste in this field that I find myself having no more passion in? 2 years? 5 years? Or 10? We only live life once. I think we should be doing what we like, pursue on what we want and desire. This is definitely not my desire anymore. Allow me to let it go.

The post I was suppose to write on will be delayed.

Cos right now I am depressed, tired, fed up, pressured, overworked, frustrated, disappointed, hating most things that's going on...

I am just so unhappy.

I really hate everything in life now.

My job is horrible. I'm hating it more and more each day, hoping that days will go by faster and that this misery will end. But it doesn't really seem so.

I'm far from home, far from my close friends, my family, and honestly, even God.

I don't know how long more I can bear this... I feel so horrible I feel like giving up.

When will all these end???

It's not that you treat me nice
Neither did you shower me with tender loving care

It's not that we have ample of sweet memories
Neither did we spent a lot of time together

It's not that we see each other regularly
Neither do we share each other's problems much

It's not that you are there to share my joy
Neither were you there when my tears were falling

It's not that we know each other for the longest time
Neither are we strangers who merely know each other's names

But why do I miss you?
Why do I keep thinking about you?
And keep wondering, if you feel the same?
Knowing that if you don't,
I'll be the most foolish girl.

We haven't seen or spoken for a week now,
But your absence in person and silence in speech
Does not equal to absence from my heart and mind
I hate to admit
But I do wish to see you
To hear your voice
Or just to have you next to me

I think I'm missing you...