You know...
Working 20 hours a day is horrible but I still can tolerate (tolerated this for 1 whole month without break even for a day).
Heavy work load with many patients to take care of is stressful but I still can tolerate.
Sleeping 4-5 hours a day everyday including weekends, very tiring but fine, still can tolerate though it affects my work very much during the day.
But what I CANNOT stand is when:
I get blamed for things that I did not do.
I get blamed on things that is not my fault.
I get scolded for no apparent reason.
My bosses are treating me with such injustice and they're just plain bias. Every small mistake I do is a big fuss, when every other person who did the same mistake or even more major ones, gets off the hook without any form of scolding or warning.
My life is all about working and nothing else. I live just to work and sleep. This is NOT the kinda life I want to live. It is not fulfilling and I'm not contented.
I am rushed to do so many things when all I have is only one pair of hands and one brain. I can only do this much with that amount of time, I hate it when they push me to do so much more than I am capable of. How can one be doing a few things at one time? If I had 3 brains and 8 hands, then maybe.
My bosses scolds me for my mistakes but are not willing to teach me anything, how am I suppose to learn??
You know...
Everyday I think of resigning, of giving up this job, of quitting.
Because I can't stand all of those crap.
But I don't have time to type a resignation letter.
I come back deadly exhausted every night, don't have the energy and time to dwell on it. Before I know it, it's another day passed.
I wake up every morning feeling so depressed, not wanting to get up from bed and go to work.
At work, I try to do my best but my efforts are always futile. No matter what I do, it's always wrong.
No matter how hard I try, I can never please my bosses.
All they do is to find faults in me, demotivate me, scold me... even for things that I did not do wrong.
I am living through everyday, without motivation, without passion, without joy and hope.
I feel like I've lost everything in life. I am just a machine, working day and night, waiting for time to collapse.
I know many has been encouraging me. Telling me to go on.
But they're not in my position. Their bosses don't treat them this way. They don't work 20 hours a day. They don't get blamed and scolded for NOTHING. They're not far from family and friends. They have time to eat and sleep and play. They have time to do their laundry and go shopping.
Try being me for a moment and tell me is it that easy to just tell me to go on and not be negative.
You expect me to be enthusiastic and energetic and smile all the way?
I'm sorry, I can't do it.
Comments (4)
Everytime I read your posts I have the greatest respect for all you house officers back home!
Its a pity they never tell us these things before we sign up for the job.
Or maybe they did, and something within us strove to ignore them - or in my case, was just too blur to register!
For better or for worse, we've gotten where we are and where we go from here is not yet set in stone.
And bow-wow, I'm sure that there ARE people who appreciate your work, without you noticing it.
Oh Siew Lee, true, we aren't in your position thus we can only encourage you to go on.
From what you shared it is obvious you have a high tolerance level and did survive a month and obviously too that this isn't a bed of roses without thorns. The unbiased treatment and unreasonably long hours have demotivated you severely in most areas and not possible to ignore.
I don't know if this will help...it won't last forever, soon you will be on your next posting and 'this' will be behind you. You would have gone through your 'worst' nightmare in your postings, well trained in your tolerance, practiced your patience over and over again.
My prayer and hope is that you will once again find the passion and reasons why you chose to be serving God and people in this field.
Remembering you always.
Hey Siew Lee. Yeah, it's always easy to tell others to go on and offer words of encouragement but the truth is that person might not even able to bear half of what you had/have been going through. I do believe that someone knows the good you had done (at least God knows) and appreciate it very much. Perhaps you just don't know you made someone smile. If you are really that unhappy, perhaps a short break would do you good.
I just had mine and it did clear my mind for a week. Though short, I was free from negative thoughts.
@Jonathan - Sigh Jon... I seriously don't know what to say... at the moment, i don't think I'm appreciated.. not that i want to be, but.. everything seems to be wrong in their eyes.. everything that i do is not right and everything that goes wrong is my fault even though it's not.. i guess you guys better stay where you are and don't come back to work for housemanship... it's not advisable in my opinion..
@nancy - honestly i don't have high tolerance, everyday i feel like quitting just that i dont have the time to write a proper resignation letter... it's very hard for me to stay on... thanks for your prayers.
@shen - i wish i can take a short break but i can't. There's no break for me, i'm working 7 days a week and i can only take 2 days off per month.. i already took a weekend off last week so i can't take anymore for the whole month... i'm just so tired... so so so tired... sigh.. travelling is out of the question at the moment cos how to go anywhere if i can only take a max of 2 days? ah well.......... depressing huh...