Who would have thought that a decision like this is so hard to make? To me, it is a clear cut decision that I want to resign from this job, but to others, it's a decision that I am stupidly making. What I long is for people to support me in what I want to do, in what I like to do and live a happier life. But sadly, other than my own family, everyone else is against my decision, convincing me to do otherwise. I get so fed up of hearing, I just don't understand. Do they rather want me to suffer than to see me happier?
I go to work everyday with much dread, waking up in depression, coming back from work feeling worse. Everyday went by with no joy. I live through everyday with a dead soul, with no motivation, no passion, no joy. I see patients obligingly, till it became a burden. My bosses are all treating me so unkindly, I feel so demotivated. Inside me, I feel like I'm dying slowly, yet quickly. I became a heartless and feelingless person, a doctor without passion. I go to work before the sun rise, coming back only to collapse on the bed, fighting for hours to sleep. The sun is no longer there to shine, all I see is darkness, gloominess and sorrow. I am drowned.
I need to get out of this situation. Friends, please don't convince me otherwise. I cannot persevere on with something I no longer want to do. This field is not for me. Clinical medicine is not for me. I don't want to be a a doctor anymore. Whatever benefits it offers as what my friends use to tell me, I am not bothered. My bosses say, if you don't go through these 2 years of housemanship, you won't get your title. I don't care. This title means NOTHING to me. It only brings nothing but misery in my 5 months of working.
What are you going to do next then? That is another frequently asked question. At the moment I don't know, I haven't been actively looking yet. But all I know is, not anything to do with being a doctor in the hospital. This is how much I hate being a doctor now. Will I regret resigning? At the moment I don't know. What happens in the future I don't know either. I may regret, I may not. But what I know is that if I go on doing something I hate, in future if I look back, I will regret wasting so much time on something I should have gotten out earlier.
5 years wasted in medical school. Yes I know, don't have to remind me. So how many more years you want me to waste in this field that I find myself having no more passion in? 2 years? 5 years? Or 10? We only live life once. I think we should be doing what we like, pursue on what we want and desire. This is definitely not my desire anymore. Allow me to let it go.
Comments (5)
You know what, I say good for you. After all that sorrow and agony, you choose not to live a life that doesn't fulfill you. If you can't enjoy your job now, you'll defintely grow weary of it in the years to come and your life would have been nothing but work work work.Â
True that time has been wasted in all those years in medical school, but you've finally made a decision that medincine doesn't fulfill you. To me, doing something you enjoy for the rest of your life no matter the pay or position is something I'd rather have than something I struggle to do even though my passion isn't there.Very glad you've finally made a deicison. I pray that God will grant you the wisdom to choose the next part of your journey and refill you with His strength, peace and joy.It takes a lot of courage to do what you did. Congratulations on taking a step of courage and a leap of faith.
Education is never wasted. I'm sure those things you learned in medical school will come in handy some day.
I hope you will be able to find something you truly love doing really soon.
gosh bowwow, never thought it'd come to this. Then again, nothing in life is ever set in stone as in- ooohh this is the one and only path my life is going to take, if i don't then i'm doomed!
I guess reading this, I'm rooting for you to find what's really your calling loh. And for your faith in having a fulfilled vocation, something which you can wake up every morning looking forward to do, something that you know God made you for, for that faith not to be shaken by what's been happening so far.
Its pretty normal here in the UK for people to continue studying/searching for what they really want to do as a postgrad. Doesn't mean you're a failure, and definitely doesn't mean medical school was a waste. I mean, no 5 years ago - no bowwow right?
So yup, keep the faith! and Have fun finding your passion!
Hey candle,
Abs and I both think you should be doing what you WANT to be doing. Also, a little story. Abs struggled agst even his own parents wishes and quit physio and did med because he wanted to do something he LOVED, and he found me in the process.
So definitely, there are happy endings. Don't ever think you wasted 5 years because they made you heaps stronger than the day you walked into IMU in 2003. As for me, I wouldn't ever regret your time in IMU because I made a friend I'll always treasure regardless of how different our paths might be.
We're always around Candle. And I have to say today, you are officially one of the strongest bravest individual I have ever met. Good on you. And thanks for always showing me there is a light in darker times.
And don't ever forget your little red monster will always be cheering you on from down under. Good luck and God bless! xoxo
Hey everyone,
thanks a lot for all your encouraging words.. surely, it was a bit of a struggle to come to this decision, because of the many who advised me against it. I did try to go on as far as I can, but it is this much I can go, I don't think any further will do any good. I am seriously not happy with my job, perhaps the harsh working environment aggravated things, but well, I really don't think I can push myself through for another 1 1/2 years in this kinda condition. I need to do something else, something more fulfilling, something that makes me happier, and to bring back the lost and dead soul within me. The past is gone, a new chapter awaits. For better or worse I don't know, but I'm giving it a try, than to be stucked in the pitch of darkness.
Thanks for all your supportive words. Appreciate it.