Wednesday, 27 May 2009

• Some pouring out.

  I've been getting a lot of questions lately, mostly similar ones to find out what on earth am I doing now. As of now, I am doing nothing. Not on purpose, but it's the transitional period of quitting something and going into another thing. Ask me if I have any regrets (yet), I can truthfully say I have none. I am actually glad I have gotten out of a nightmare. If I had a chance to turn back time, I would have still made the same decision and made the same move. I cannot imagine if I stayed on, I am pretty sure I wouldn't. Not because I don't believe in myself, not because I am pessimistic, not because I am a quitter or a loser, but because I choose to love myself and to protect myself from going into some form of deep depression which affects my mental and physical health greatly. Also, I do not wish to harm my patients in any way, as I was not working in the best state of mind.
  
  To be honest, I did not doubt my abilities as a practicing doctor. This is not something I say often. But I knew, even though the whole department was very obviously picking on me from day one, I knew I was not that bad. But because of all the injustice, the bias, the threats that I constantly receive on a daily basis, my interest in taking care of patients was totally gone. I did not lose my confidence, but I lost a lot of dignity.
  
  Many will say, we all (houseman) go through that. So why can't you?
  I can, but I choose not to. I am not working to be a slave of irresponsible and heartless people who conveniently push all the blames and faults onto me. I am not willing to be working under an environment which was evidently harming my mental health. I do not like going to a workplace with so much dread and fear, and hating all my bosses, and having thoughts of them vanishing the next day, in whichever way possible. And if that is not possible, I wish for myself to vanish instead. In other words, I was wishing to... you figure out.
  
  Just 2 years, suffer through it and all will be good.
  Have you heard of time flies when you're having fun? Ever thought what is the opposite of that statement? When your life is a living hell, time passes slowly. I was wishing everyday to go by faster, and the more I wish, the slower the time seem to fly. If everyday was miserable, do you really think 2 years is short? Is it really worth giving my 2 years for something I have no more intention to pursue and persevere?
  
  On the days before I left the haunting scene hospital, there was this nurse, who hardly knows me, only saw me once, and passed on so many remarks which again proved that those people are nothing but judgmental.
  She 'cursed' that I will never find a job, that all my friends will leave me because I have no more status, my family will abandon me, I will not get married and that I will have to suffer alone in future with no secured job, my company will kick me out and tell me to sell noodles at the hawkers, I will end up being a psychiatric patient because I will go crazy. Come on, are those fair statements to make?
  
  It got me wonder though, how many of her statements are true? The statement that struck me the most was the friendship statement. "All your friends will leave you because you have no more status". I don't know what friendship means to her, but if all friendships are measured by status and money, then this world has no more hope. I strongly believe that her statement is wrong. How I wish to one day go back to her and prove all her statements wrong.
  
  Just because I'm leaving for a better tomorrow, you don't have to spoil the fun if you can't join me. Haha.
  Now, goodbye to you and the rest of the people there. I won't miss you.
  
  

  • 12:29 AM
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