Saturday, 20 June 2009

• Suicide.

  Before you think it's my suicide, let me first tell you, it's not me.
  
  This evening I had a call from a friend whom I have known for years. He's probably the one and only friend whom I can be so honest with, one whom I can tell almost anything direct to his face, without the fear of offending him. He's a cheerful and funny guy, never had a dull moment whenever I'm with him. We can talk and laugh over everything and anything. Though there were many things about him that I'm not happy with, like you can never trust him on appointments, don't expect him to return calls or smses and likes irritating me among the many other things. Nevertheless, our friendship remained.
  
  This evening he sounded different. Not his usual self where he would laugh over things that I say which weren't even meant to be funny.
  
  He was sad. He was suicidal. My good ol' clown friend, is suicidal. Can you imagine the irony? Can you imagine a clown saying he wants to die? He was asking me the lethal dosage of certain drugs. I told him I only prescribe drugs in dosages that are safe to patients, not lethal dosage, because if I ever cause a patient's death due to my carelessness in prescribing the wrong dose, I would might as well dig a grave and plan my own suicide. It's a fatal error that I would not forgive myself if I ever made one. But honestly, I once did. I was so tired that night, I wrote the wrong dosage. My medical officer detected it the next day, reported it to my specialist, and of course, I had a good blast of scolding afterwards. It was my fault, from then on, I was extra careful.
  
  My friend made me realized, it was that easy for me to kill someone in the hospital, if it was ever intentional. Drug overdose. The power was indeed in my hands.
  
  So why was he suicidal? Love relationships. Yes, I'm talking about the boy-girl relationship kinda relationship. He couldn't let go of the girl he was in love with 2 years ago, and still in love with now. He felt that his life has no more meaning and he felt like dying. Is it really worth dying for another girl/guy who has moved on? It is not easy talking and counselling someone who is suicidal. Someone who has lost so much hope. Someone who fear of falling in love again. Someone who wants his life to be taken away.
  
  Through the phone I could hear cars passing by, he was obviously on the road. Though I am worried that he would be knocked down by a car, but I knew despite all the thoughts of dying, he did not actually want to die. What he needed was some attention and affection, from a well trusted friend, like me. It took me the whole night to talk through things with him. And in the midst of the whole thing, he was frequently asking me about medications and drugs. Honestly, I hate it that I still know. As much as he wants the memories of his beloved to be wiped off, I wanted my medical knowledge to be wiped off as well.
  
  You know, he is not the only person who always asks me on medical stuff. My friends, my cousins, relatives, so on so forth do the same. Even my job interviewer today, asked me hundreds of questions, somewhat testing my medical knowledge for no reason, because the post I was applying for does not require that much of my medical knowledge. But yet, they drilled into it. Fortunately but sadly, I still remember my stuff. I still knew my antibiotics, my anti-hypertensives, diabetic drugs, etc. I know I'm hopping around from one topic to another, but yea, the interview today, took 1 hour and 15 minutes. Because the interviewer was so excited to know how much I knew, especially when he found out that I knew how to do K-wiring for fractured bones. Sir, it may be impressive but it is not relevant. Sigh. (of course I didn't say that lah)
  
  So my friend wanted to actually jump off from the top of a building. And then he didn't dare, he was afraid of heights. The latest technique he proposed was to drink poison. The cruel me, actually dared him to because he will die a horrible death, with internal bleeds and corrosions, and profuse vomiting. I don't know if you want to go through that, but as for me, I hate vomiting. To come think of it, I don't know what's my method of choice if I wanted a suicide.
  
  To draw a conclusion from all that I have mentioned,
  firstly, I managed to talk my friend out of the suicide idea.
  Secondly, it made me think of my own relationship affairs which isn't very much better from his.
  Thirdly, I still remember certain things.
  Lastly, because I still remember, I miss it.
  
  
  
  

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